lola

WHAT'S YOUR PREROGATIVE?

I would like to ask you a question, Why are you in your current relationship? Sex? Convenience? Contractually bound (aka. married)? Children? Love? Money?

I never really thought about it before, but whether we realize it or not, everyone has some sort of a prerogative -- to fling, marry, procreate. We all have an agenda, program, perhaps just hopes for the future or the moment, which eventually lead to a firm plan of action or a lot of fantasy. For instance, I've been noticing this trend lately where I've been attracting guys in their mid-late to late-late thirties who appear to be seeking out a life partner. And they're not subtle about it at all.

I almost feel like I've become somewhat of a genetic human study. I guess I should be flattered to be in the running and all. I'm not in my twenties anymore and considered higher risk -- women in their thirties have more problems with fertility and there's always that question of "Why is she still available?" I have a history. I'm also way more moodier than I was in my twenties. I'm not naive so I can't be easily persuaded and if you piss me off, I'm going to express it -- with words coated in flames.

Still, it's strangeā€¦and so new to me. I feel like I'm being scouted and then evaluated. Check it:

Man Hunter unrolls an archaic scroll at dinner encrypted in ancient code. He looks up and announces in a serious tone: I have a list of questions in case we decide to commit and procreate.

ME: But I've only known you for a total of three hours.

He ignores my comment and continues because he's on a deadline and I'm being inconsiderate by questioning his prerogative. I should consider myself lucky that we're even doing this in person. He could've just emailed me a questionnaire.

MAN HUNTER: Any hereditary conditions or diseases that run rampant in your bloodline?

ME: Okay, never mind. Um, hernia. I probably shouldn't mention the schizophrenia. That's mainly on my dad's side. My mom's side is naturally crazy. So I guess at least my dad's side has an excuse. Though my mom's side could potentially blame it on environmental factors. Eastern European -- too much exposure to war and communism.

I attempt a smile. It's more of a frown. FAIL.

EPIPHANY: Wait. Is alcoholism a disease? That's on my mom's side.

MAN HUNTER: Rate of divorce in your family?

ME: Oh, my family doesn't believe in divorce. They do however, believe in staying together in an unhappy union and inflicting misery on one another. It's kind of a tradition.

MAN HUNTER: How many kids would you like to have?

ME: Seventeen. Kidding. None. I'm scared of babies. Actually, I find babies cute. But what I am scared of are nine years olds and teenagers and ultimately that's what babies morph into. But if babies could stay babies -- like in that miniature human version that's cuddly, cute and unable to voice demands, then I would say, three. Two natural and one adopted. And by adopted I mean from Vietnam. I'm very specific with my plans for international adoption. That's happening regardless of male participation.

MAN HUNTER: If you rank in the top percentile and qualify as my life partner or let's say, ovary search, how would you like me to propose?

ME: On a hot air balloon overlooking the French Riviera. Preferably in the summer or spring. We're going to be up in the air so you should consider chill factor and make sure you bring champagne. (Obviously this question is more fictionalized than the others; I just figured I'd throw it in, in case my actual future husband stumbles across this article. Alright, I'm probably going to direct him to it for this part alone. Hi. Future hubby. Kisses from the past).

MAN HUNTER: I shall ponder your answers over this steak. In the meantime, I suggest you start taking better care of yourself in preparation for your potential future as my life partner.

ME: Do I even have a say in this?

MAN HUNTER: Yes. If you qualify as the successful candidate you get to respond after the proposal.

ME: What if I say no?

MAN HUNTER: Why do you think I conduct these preparatory sessions? Don't think you're the only one being considered, honey.

ME: Thanks, my self esteem just went down ten points.

MAN HUNTER: You're welcome. This psychological role play was all part of the master plan. Now you can focus on your future as a devoted mother and wife.

OKAY. I'm going to stop now. I'm messing with my own mind.

I mean it definitely drains the mystery and romance, but then again, maybe it's better to cut to the chase. Here's my prerogative, what's yours? Let's compare and contrast and make a decision based on our longterm compatibility. Then there's no disillusion or disappointment down the road. We'll just do the math, create a pie chart, analyze the ratio of love-to-domestic sustainability and make a practical decision.

Really, relationships clouded in mystery and uncertainty can only lead to one thing - - a messy household -- or murder.

I think dating sites would run much more efficiently if people were brutally honest about their prerogatives. I've never tried online dating, I'm just assuming based on the premise. I'm here to fuck and I'm too lazy to go to the bar and try to pick up because I live in Minnesota and it's minus seven hundred thousand degrees outside. OR: I'm looking to get married because I want to have babies and I'm running out of time.

I once had this female friend who had to psychoanalyze every goddamn relationship she was in. I can't even begin to tell you how draining it was for me as the listener, but I can give you an idea of how annoying it was -- imagine constant repertoire along the lines of: Maybe he thinks THIS because of THAT, but that's probably not what he means because I think that his (KEYWORD) "FEAR" of THAT is what makes him think that he thinks THIS --

Ruminating. I believe that's the word for it.

Me: Yeah, you're right. What he thinks is not what he really thinks because he has no control over his thoughts or emotions and he's a total moron. Why are you even attracted to this guy ? Never mind, don't answer that because I don't care. Just pass me the bottle of tequila because I wish to be drunk for the remainder of this one-sided conversation.

You can't even disagree or question any of it because it's all so twisted and convoluted and muddled in illusion and some unrealistic portrayal of love and horses and sandcastles and purple clouds. I don' know. But what I do know is that we could've avoided all those painful girl-to-girl heart-to-hearts if only each of these guys had made their prerogatives clear. RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: Say what you mean and mean what you say!

Consider there are third parties all over the world getting implicated in your relationship drama because you're not making your intentions obvious -- or you're playing games because you're unsure of what you want or you're just selfish and cruel and you like to see me in pain.

Truth be told, people are in relationships for various reasons and we all go through different stages. You're after a fling, a one night stand, a temporary relationship, or one of those marriage thingies so you can create mini-mes. If you find someone with a similar prerogative -- it's win win. Ultimately, we all have one.

COPY-WRITE © LOLA BERLIN 2011