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HOT WHEELZ ON TRACK

So, in my attempt to make money writing, I recently pitched a satirical advice column to a car magazine under the pseudonym HOT WHEELZ. The Editor said he'd get back to me. Yay! It'd be awesome to actually get paid for writing again -- even if the writing involves misleading advice about women and cars.

HERE'S MY SAMPLE SUBMISSION:

Carz from a Female Perspective by HOT WHEELZ.

Q. I'm thinking about buying a new car to impress a girl. Should I go with the Porsche or Lamborghini? 

HOT WHEELZ: Okay, I know what you're probably thinking - that I'm going to go with a stereotypical pre-feminist movement girly girl response and tell you that girls don't care about your car as long as you're a nice guy. WRONG. One of the quickest ways to size up a man up is via his vehicle.  Check this:

Sedan - family man. 
Non-descript van - either homeless or stalker, possibly a drug-dealer or worst case scenario -- potential serial killer. 
Grand Marquis - works for the Federal Government. 
Explorer -- has ego issues and may be over-compensating for other things. 
Convertible - Chauvinist;  attention-seeker.

I can tell a lot about a man by his wheels and if they're out of alignment, it's over before you've even stepped out of the vehicle. For instance, I travel between Los Angeles (L.A.) and Sydney and when I'm in L.A. I refuse to date anyone who drives a black beamer. There's nothing wrong with the B.M.W. (which is the most affordable of all the luxury car brands) but in the landscape of L.A. almost EVERYBODY drives a Black BMW. So when I see a beamer I immediately think - unoriginal, cares about what people think, seeks approval, generic, probably has a bland personality and is boring in bed. Now if the man behind the wheel is a producer or an exec, it's almost excusable. I think the black beamer comes with the contract or something, but other than that one exemption, Total Roadkill. 

So, let's see - Porsche VS Lamborghini. 

PORSCHE

PROS: Solid, classic, cute
 
CONS: Not very roomy

VS

LAMBORGHINI 

PROS: Fast, makes an immediate impression  

CONS: Flashy, futuristic looking in a something's-gone-awry and the robots are going to take over any minute now kind of way -- speed-obsessed (owner may have an overinflated ego)

CONCLUSION: I'm classic, so I prefer the Porsche. The Lamborghini scares me a bit.   

My advice: Go with the car that suits your personality. Afterall, you're the one driving. For a chick, it's just a ride. For a dude --  it's your pride. And it's also a form of identification. Let's not forget the inseparability of Batman to his Batmobile and James Bond to his Bentley convertible. 

A car is like a trademark. So be honest with yourself because yes, we are judging you by the size and shape of your wheels.

.....  

Q. My girlfriend is clueless about the anatomy of a car. How can I educate her?

HOT WHEELZ: Actually most women are clueless when it comes to the anatomy of a car. The simple answer here is -- we just don't give a sh*T. Unless the engine explodes and the car conks out we could care less about its function and relation to the other parts. 

If educating your girlfriend about the anatomy of a car is that crucial to your relationship, however, I would suggest using metaphors and comparing the car to the human body --  the engine is like the heart, the fuel injection system operates as the veins that pump blood into the heart as in oil to the engine. The carburetor are the lungs breathing air into the system and so on.

But the way we usually learn is when something breaks and we're suddenly stranded. For instance, I discovered the radiator when it started leaking and blew the head gasket (and that's how I discovered the existence of the head gasket -- and the importance of fixing a leaking radiator and ensuring that even a healthy radiator is always hydrated). I learned about the location of the braking cable - and how to reconnect it - when my brakes suddenly stopped working on a major highway, and I became familiar with the spiral or coil cable when my crazy stalker ex-boyfriend disconnected it. Not all bad as I also discovered it's a good way to prevent theft if you don't own a club lock or have an alarm. Thief gets in, tries to start car -- nothing.

So if you're really determined to educate your girlfriend about car parts -- try removing them one by one. I mean she might dump you by the end of the experiment when she catches on, but that'll teach her. 

.....

Q. How do women feel about being honked at?

HOT WHEELZ: We find it annoying and pointless, but it depends on the car of course. Being honked at by a Porsche -- good omen and a confidence booster.  We'll take it. But if you're driving a crappy over-the-hill Toyota or a pimped out Mustang, that's just degrading. Don't do it!

COPY-WRITE © LOLA BERLIN 2011